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Monday, May 7, 2012

10 Rules on How to Survive a Punjabi Wedding!

Trust me, it is heartbreaking to overhear the conversation of a married couple just back from a Punjabi  wedding feast. In fact, there is no conversation at all, just an uncomfortable silence gripping the 12x10 bedroom, if you cancelled out the noise coming from the neighbor's AC. Its not easy to sleep on a stomach that is not aching due to pneumatic helplessness and a mind that can still solve logical reasoning problems AFTER you have contributed a shagun of Rs 501 to a wedding feast that made the hosts poorer by Rs 10 lakh! I want to help millions of Punjabis and their non-Punjabi acquaintances, who like to be considered Punjabis enough to get invited to their legendary wedding feasts, get over the trauma of an unsuccessful expedition.    

Punjabi weddings are actually Yash Chopra film reruns until the next YRF movie is released. The YRF movies influence everything: from the designs of dresses to the color combination of the shamiana to the dance moves and, finally, to the DJ's repertoire. For the purpose of Dijjay, any SRK movie can be considered as an YRF release. Here are my 10 Rules on how to survive a Punjabi wedding.

Let us begin with this 'Disclaimer': I am not perfect, although my wife has found me to be that on many occasions, and, therefore, this advisory may not be perfect as well. I have packaged all my wisdom on the subject to make sure that nearly 99.99% of all guidance you are ever going to need is already here. I am always open to receive the rest .01% from you. 

Rule #1: Decide if you want more than 60 seconds of video footage (not including that of your wide open mouth waiting to receive a chicken leg piece). If the answer is yes, be ready to spend around Rs 10K per minute of footage. Else, take that heirloom out of the Godrej steel almirah and spend just Rs 100 on steam press: 60 for Bhabhi ji's retro lehenga and 40 for your job interview ensemble.

Rule #2: The ladiss work to the Venusian clock. FYI, 10 Earth Minutes are equal to 1 Venusian minute. So, bro, chill. Let her manage the blouse blues while you flop on the sofa like a Salvadore Dali time piece. When summoned, fasten that loop with titch-button (that'll keep the bra strap hidden) with interest. Unless of course the bra is a 'Triumph' limited edition per information visible on the exposed part of the strap. In that case, offer the suggestion to shear away the titch-button loop. But, don't forget to keep it safe for economic downturns.

Rule #3: "Much better than Mrs. Khanna's Rs 50K lehenga she wore during the last wedding party" is a great answer to questions like, "Hmmm, howzit?"

Rule #4: When you finally get to the wedding, act as if it is your own brother/sister/son/daughter/father/mother is getting married. Give a complex to the actual hosts with your enthu. Inspect the decorations, food spread, snack counters and the bar like a sanitary inspector. Gingerly approve. Order the photo/videographer around. Inquire even people unknown to you, "Hope you are having a good time...hehehe...kuchh bhijwaoon?" Give yourself 30 minutes to achieve the coup.

Rule #5: BEFORE you hit the bar: a) Make sure that your wife too feels arrived. Seat her in female-only company she enjoys more than being with you. b) Critically examine all women and decide which ones would need further visual examination and partnering on the dance floor. c) Pay respects to all the elders, in other words, to everyone but the children.

Rule #6: AFTER you hit the bar: a) Keep reminding yourself that you are a married man, and, your wife is that lady in peacock green lehenga, and not that model in gold-and-copper dress that leaves-so-much-to-imagination. b) Tell a trusted friend where your wife is seated, in case. Don't forget to add how much she hates flirts.

Rule #7: Never, never, never appear greedy and lecherous when it comes to gorging on food, the other principal purpose of your mission. Eat everything but only after being offered at least twice earlier. This is essential to honour your own before-you-hit-the-bar bakwaas that how you are sensitive about what all and how much you eat and drink. Don't forget that at least some of those gullible folks might just recall your tireless efforts over the last 5 years to turn a teetotaler.

Rule #8: Normally you are so stuffed on the snacks that the main course can only be looked at like a paraplegic would regard a 3-D model of the Mt. Everest and Surrounding Peaks. But, you are a Punjabi, no! We overeat, therefore we are. Look at our placement on the map of India with an open-mouthed Mother India superimposed on it. We are her mouth! That's where all the food must go lest all western and eastern states disappear. Here, the guiding principle should be: 'If I have eaten this before at home, I shall pass'.

Rule #9: If you are not yet ready for Rule #8, dancing is a great way to work up an appetite. Dancing a.k.a. Dijjay serves quite a few purposes. But first, can you still recall whatever I told you to in Rule #5. Yes? That's a good boy! Time your entry to the psychedelia according to the people already there and not to the song being played. Leave that to the showoffs. Start by matching steps with your intended victim. Once you detect symbiosis, look into her eyes and raise the tempo while reducing the distance. Its like a cosmic dance that, if you are lucky, becomes orgasmic. Be careful when the Dijjay switches over to dulcet beat for some cheek-to-cheek 'rouge exchange program'. Get off the floor and find your wife. If you are lucky, she should be anywhere but on the dance floor.

Rule #10: Go to Rule #8, if you haven't already, else, its payback time. The rule here is: 'Only dumbasses hand the shagun envelope over to the collector BEFORE Rule#9 has been executed'. You can never sound sufficiently grateful to the hosts until and unless the gluttony--gastronomic and sensory--is complete. Always seal the envelope with sufficient cello tape such that unless it is ripped apart, no one can guess what is inside. The hosts may protest such as, "nahin nahin, ki laud si...blah blah blah..." but trust me they are doing it due to your family's past record. You dear father, on multiple occasions, had thought that his aashirwad was the only thing the hosts ever wanted, as they had requested on the wedding card.

Finally, dear reader, allow me to make you richer by the proverbial one million dollars by answering this question: "Sir, how much money is just right for a wedding or birthday shagun?" To that, sweethearts, the answer is simple, shagun is not an expense, its an investments for your next invite!

Balle balle!

(Not ball le ball le, you ass!!)
         

            

Thursday, May 3, 2012

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