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Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Government to establish National Scam Museum

New Delhi. Government of India has decided to establish a “National Scam Museum” in the national capital in order to showcase the superlative achievements of successive governments since Independence.
Announcing this, the Minister of Urban Poverty Alleviation, Shri Ajay Maken said, “During the last decade or so, India has been the cynosure of politicians’ and middlemen’s eyes the world over. We have left even the developed countries far behind in looting the taxpayers’ money and scammed everything that lies below, on, and above Mother Earth. High time we make a monument for this monumental achievement.”
National Museum, New Delhi
A regular museum, which could be converted into a scam museum as scams have become regular.
The proposed monument i.e. the National Scam Museum will be designed like a War Museum, showcasing the artifice, technology, and the modus operandi of the great scamsters of the last 65 years.
It will be a three storied building – a basement, a ground floor, and a tenth floor in the sky. First to ninth floors would be built just on paper, just as it happens during many scams.
Each of these three levels will house exhibits and audio-visual information kiosks on scams relating to the realm in which these have occurred, e.g. the “Chopper Scam” and “Spectrum Scam” will be showcased on the ‘In the Air’ level (tenth floor), “CoalGate” and “Scorpene Deal” on the “Below the Ground” level (basement), and the ground floor will see relics from “CWG Scam” and various land scams.
The architects have been asked to avoid any resemblance to the Parliament House, Rashtrapati Bhawan, and the North and South Blocks of the secretariat as the government itself is not recognized as any scam.
Face to face interactions with scamsters, who are still alive, like Kalmadi, Telgi, Raja, Ketan Parekh, Hasan Ali, etc. will be organized on ‘Scam Sundays’. School and college children will be encouraged to interact with these achievers and feel motivated to think beyond even IIPM.
A unique feature of the museum will be a giant LED display on top of the building that will show a running count up of the amount of money embezzled by the corrupt, correct to a second.
“Hope the aam aadmi will start taking scams as a matter of fact and part of our culture, if this is not the case already,” a government official hoped.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Haryana Government Proposes Novel Solution to the Gurgaon Toll Gate Imbroglio

Gurgaon/Chandigarh: Haryana Government has announced a novel scheme to tackle commuters’ woes on the Delhi-Gurgaon expressway, specially the situation at the Sirhol Toll Plaza, next to the Ambience Mall in Gurgaon. Barring a few thousand VIPs of Haryana and Delhi governments and local politicians, lakhs of commuters are daily facing a tough time dealing with long waiting time at the toll plaza. The situation is made worse by the ungentlemanly conduct of the toll attendants, who do not give in to Delhiites’ “tu jaanta nahin mera baap kaun hai” pretensions.

In his statement to the press at Chandigarh, the Chief Secretary of the Haryana government said that “the government of Haryana has taken away the day-to-day management of the toll plaza from the present concessionaire M/s DSC and handed it over to McDonald’s, the famous fast food chain and a few other companies in the hospitality sector." He added, "Once the government's plan is fully implemented, waiting at the toll plaza will cease to be a pain for everyone and instead become delays to look forward to." He provided the following highlights of the plan. 

The toll plaza lanes will be designated as 'General', 'Executive', 'Culture Vulture', 'VIP' and 'Desi' lanes.

In the 'General' lanes, should the queue length exceed 300 meters from the toll gates, customers will not be required to pay any toll and will also be entitled to a free burger meal of their choice. They can place their orders on special counters 200 meters from the gates and collect their order at the gate.  

The 'Executive' Lane Limousine
In the 'Executive' lanes, special business limos will be available 300 meters from the toll gate in which business executives can schedule their business meetings in advance. These limos will come with a comely Secretary, coffee machine and LCD projector.    

For the culture savvy, the 'Culture Vulture' lanes will play short films from Berlin, Cannes and other film festivals on giant LED TVs. Free Wi-Fi service will be available to the self-styled critics for tweeting their opinions on these films.

The 'VIP' Lane 
The special 'VIP' lanes will serve free meals, liquor and              to all 'VIPs'. Journalists and fake news websites will not be permitted in the VIP lanes.

The 'Desi' Lane

Also, in keeping with the ubiquitous 'Ahata’ culture of Gurgaon, some of the lanes will be designated as ‘Desi' lanes where one can buy liquor, chakhna (namkeen) and mineral water of choice but not Chowmein. Both Haryana and Delhi Police have been asked not to challan drunk drivers consuming liquor from these specially co-branded bottles.

Waiting at the Gurgaon toll plaza was never so much fun! 

Social Awareness Message

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Government Planning to Generate Electricity out of Twitter Outrages

(My post as published on 'Faking News'. Check out my other posts too at www.fakingnews.com)

New Delhi: With millions of mega-joules of energy being wasted by Indians everyday on Twitter while outraging on various topics, the government has come up with a plan to convert this energy into electricity.
“We are going to provide special typewriters and tablets with piezoelectric keys that can be used to type tweets and publish it online,” informed Kapil Sibal, Minister of various faculties, “The tapping of keys on such typewriters will generate electricity due to the piezoelectric effect.”
He went on to add that a technology suitable for low-cost tablets (e.g. ‘Hatash II‘) is also being developed. Realizing that not everyone could opt for such typewriters or tablets, especially those tweeting anonymously against the government and the Congress party, the government has an alternate plan ready.
Light Bulb
People with no intelligent tweets are often called “bulbs” on Twitter. Nobody knew that they could light bulbs too.
“We are working on a technology that can tap into the emotional energy contained in people’s tweets, and convert it into thermal and then into electrical energy,” Sibal explained how the government was looking beyond the kinetic energy involved in publishing a tweet.
“The more a tweet is emotionally charged, the higher its potential to generate electricity,” Sibal said, “However, we’d still be blocking the trolls, who are always emotionally supercharged and generate more heat than others, as they are harmful digital exhausts.”
Sibal refused to explain what does “harmful digital exhausts” mean and why should it not be used to generate the much needed electricity.
While a Twitter outrage started on the topic of “harmful digital exhausts”, experts claim that the whole idea was really praiseworthy.
“It’s a win-win situation for the whole country,” an expert opined, “While for the urban folks it will legitimize spending time on Twitter in the office and at home and deliver a moral high, for the rural folks it will bring much needed electricity.”
Government has roped in many top journalists and celebrities for this pilot project. In the event of grid failures or blackouts, celebrities like Poonam Pandey and Sunny Leone have promised to contribute with their multimedia tweets.
Government sources inform that the first “Twittomic reactor”, code named Kolaahal-I, will turn critical on April 1, 2013 under the aegis of Rajeev Gandhi Gram Vidyutikaran Yojana with an inaugural tweet from @PMOIndia.
Soon after, the reactor will be fed tweets from UPA’s twitter luminaries like Mr. Sibal himself, Mr. Digvijay Singh, Mr. Manish Tewari, Mr. Beni Prasad Verma, etc. to achieve peak power generation on the inaugural day itself.
“Tweets by aam aamdi (not to be confused with tweets by Arvind Kejriwal) will be fed afterwards,” sources tell Faking News.
It’s a bakwaas idea, will never work!” tweeted Suresh Raina’s nephew as a reaction to the news, but scientists claimed that this single tweet could light a 40-watt bulb for three hours, whereas a normal tweet from Subramanian Swamy was expected to light up a whole village for twelve hours.

On NaMo's speech at SRCC, University of Delhi

New Delhi. Congress has claimed that not only the statements dealing with the “youth” and “computer” factors – pioneered by Rahul Gandhi and Rajiv Gandhi respectively – but almosteverything said by Narendra Modi at SRCC in Delhi University was borrowed from Congress.
In fact, sources tell Faking news that 10 Janpath, the residence of the Congress President Ms. Sonia Gandhi, was abuzz with unusual bonhomie and loud cheers contrary to the tremors expected from students’ response to Narendra Modi’s speech at Shri Ram College of Commerce (SRCC).
Narendra Modi
A Congress leader went on to claim that Narendra Modi even copied the way Rahul Gandhi waves his hand to a crowd of cheering party workers
The Congress think tank had just presented before Sonia Ji, a rebuttal of all the high-flying and deep-sounding phrases used by Modi in his speech, where it has been claimed that all those terms either originally belong to Congress or are meaningless.
Here are the highlights:
P2G2: Congress has been an old practitioner of P2G2 i.e. “Progeny to Progeny, Gandhi to Gandhi” dictum of passing on the political power to the ‘Youth Icon’ of the country.
Speed, Skill & Scale: This model of looting the exchequer has already been perfected under the UPA rule. The Congress spokesperson thundered, “If any party can beat our scam record, either in Speed, Skill, or Scale, I will take sanyaas from politics!”
Fiber to Forex: Modi’s pitch for establishing value chain for the cotton growers came in for hearty laughter, especially from the well-travelled Congressmen. “Which international label uses cotton? Armani? Prada? I have cupboards full of these at home and none of it is made of cotton! Forex, my foot!”
Agriculture Production: All the Congress ruled states have already achieved peak agricultural productivity, so where is the question of a double-digit growth? Unless, of course, Center’s push for GM crops is supported by the Opposition and the activist vermin.
Water Table Rising: What does Gujarat want, annual floods like Assam and Bihar? People of Gujarat need to wake up while there’s still time. Imagine the deadly saline of Kutch flowing through the streets of Ahmedabad and Surat!
The Glass is Full: Once again, Narendra Modi had tried to steal an idea Congress and UPA had long perfected. While Modi said that the glass was half full of water and half full of air, Congress has always been fording ahead with its plan to loot the country dry and tell the people of India that the glass was still full!
Ms. Sonia Gandhi is reported to be delighted at the job well done. She has asked the Information & Broadcasting Minister Manish Tewary to issue the above rebuttal as an immediate press release titled “Blow to Modi.”

Golden HAFTA Awards!

(My post as published on 'Faking News'. Check out my other posts too at www.fakingnews.com)

A policeman on duty
New Dheeli (name changed). In order to lift the sagging morale of the police force, Mr Dheeraj Kumar, Commissioner of Dheeli Police, himself harangued by one Dheila Aunty, has decided to launch the annual ‘Golden HAFTA Awards’ on lines of the BAFTA (British Academy of Film and Television Arts) awards.
However, unlike BAFTA, HAFTA is not an acronym.
This will not only bring the police force’s supreme duty (i.e.HAFTA collection) in sharper focus but also help the employees get over the temporary trauma of India Gate and Jantar Mantar skirmishes.
The ‘Golden HAFTA Awards’ will be given away in the following categories:
Award Criteria
Technical Awards
Lala Lajpat Rai Award
Most ruthless lathicharge by an individual
Harish Chandra Award
Police Station. To be collected by the SHO.
Police station with the highest number of false arrests and the highest percentage of FIR denial.
Raja Ram Mohan Roy Award
Individual. Only for IPS officers.
For most irresponsible comment/statement on issues related to women’s safety.
Main Awards
Best Debut Performance – Male/Female
Awarded to a Home Guard or Constable for highest haftacollections from petty shopkeepers, Rehri-wallahs and beggars.
Best Performance in a supporting role – Male/Female
Awarded to a Constable, Sub-inspector or Inspector for supporting the SHO in haftacollections.
Best Performance in a Leading Role – Male/Female
Awarded to the ACP or DCP for the highest hafta collections at district level.
Best Performance at the Border
Awarded for the highest haftacollections at a state border/naka.
Police Station of the Year
Police Station. To be collected by the SHO, ACP and DCP.
Awarded for highest haftacollections among all police stations.
Lifetime Achievement Award
Awarded to a retired Commissioner for consistently commendable performance in personal asset building.