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Your average fun guy who will stand by you!

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Buying Your Next Car?

Buying a car, for middle class Delhiites (every Indian?), is always a big deal. We are a demonstrative lot and always fuss over stuff that we can carry around to impress others e.g. car, home address, kids’ school, wife, mobile phone and personal effects. And, since we cannot change the wife, home address and kids’ school so easily, we must cure our libido via retail therapy as applied to mobile phone and car. 

It’s a well known phenomenon that Delhi gets a collective hard on every time a new smart phone or a new car is launched. Of these two, mobile phone purchases are easier to handle e.g. “Sir, 16 hazaar ki DP aur 6 EMIs ho jayengi.” However, when it comes to cars (unless you are supplying supari and elaichi to Rajnigandha paan masala makers; or happen to work for MCD, DDA or Delhi Police; or, are an erstwhile landowner of a Delhi/NCR village), a lot of research must be done to arrive at a decision.  

The most common trigger for starting the search for your new car is the combination of the impending exhaustion of EMI payments of your existing car and the fact that Mr. Malhotra, your neighbor, has just parked a new (polythene covers intact) Hyundai Fluidic Verna SX in front of his house. You first try to wish it away by believing that it must be a relative visiting the Malhotras but your heart sinks to 60/100 BP level when you receive a 4-ladoo-box. The epicenter of the seismic activity is right next door! You lay down restlessly at night, with the fluorescence of the last-watched TV soap blinking in your eyes.

“हो गई है पीर पर्वत-सी, पिघलनी चाहिए| इस हिमालय से कोई गंगा निकलनी चाहिए”

Usually the first step in car purchase is preparing a short list of candidates on the basis of budget (most likely to be stretched beyond the elastic limit to accommodate the huge libido), manufacturers to avoid (resale value, snob value, etc.) and fuel type. The next step is some serious Internet research via Autocar/Top Gear/Car&Bike/BS Motoring, Team-BHP and, in a moment of weakness, sites like CarWaale, etc. and weekend visits (in bermudas, t-shirt and sandals) to car showrooms, including irrational ones to BMW and Audi.
“Toyota ke liye Galaxy Moti Nagar jaiyo. Ladki test drive karwati hai.”
“Normal activities ke liye toh leg room kaafi hai Sir”
“Axis waale chor hain Sir.”
 “Ye BMW wala kya samajhta hai apne aap ko? Bhikhari samajh…”

Three months of showroom hopping, website hopping, 3 MB MS Excel comparison sheet and copious bakchodi over gazillion cups of tea and you reach the ‘reverse archipelago’ situation. You are marooned on an island with your wife and grown up children and surrounded by a ring of swimming pools named Honda, Toyota, Hyundai, Ford, Volkswagen and Chevrolet, full of happy and some not-so-happy semi-naked people. You deliberately step away from the Suzuki pool. “Hai toh Mruti hi na!” There is Babel of voices calling out from the various pools.
“Ford toh Haryana mein zyada chalti hai.”
“Kya, Chevrolet? Hamari le lo…hum toh khud pareshan hain. AC ki knob dhai hazar ki hai!”
“Honda bahut delicate hai. Speed breaker pe atak jaati hai.”
“Nai gaadi hai. Vaise toh Jerman hai lekin…”
“Toyota ab woh Toyota nahin rahi Sir. Maximum recalls hain.”

You are back to the 60/100 BP condition. The family mood is down. Father’s advice to avoid unnecessary expenditure is again gaining strength. Your strongest ally, Mother, is also training longer-than-usual stares at her son. In the meanwhile, a shiny white Fluidic Verna SX with “Malhotras’” emblazoned on its rear, xenon lamps and blue underlights is playing the Best of Honey Singh full tilt. Your life is not getting any better.
What about Twitter and Facebook? The odds are as good as growing a single hair after applying 10 bottles of Dr Batra’s Potion with Sehwag’s picture on it, but, may be, just-may-be, someone could offer sensible advice! So, you post “Finlzng on ma nxt car. Bgt 10-14. Sugg plzz.TIA!”

(Facebook wisdom)
“Oye MP, teri lottry lagi haikya? ;-P”
“Read this: <link to the 3 year old Team-BHP post you’ve already read>. Best of luck! J
“If u cn ++ your bugt by anthr 4-5L…”
“Congratulationzzz Mamaji!!!!!!!”
“Yayyyyy partyyyyy”
“Sorry, I’m in Vegas for a full month L

(Twitter wisdom)
@NothatMP Congo Sir! Party toh banti hai!!
RT “@NotThatMP Finlzng on ma nxt car. Bgt 10-14. Sugg plzz.TIA!”
@NotThatMP Anything but Hyndai! Suucks big time!! Bastards!!!
@NotThatMP Bot a Ford. Cryng lyk nythng L  
@NotThatMP Please tag your posts with #3MCarCare to enter the 3M Car Care Contest. Starts at 3 PM today.

Your situation has now worsened to 50/80 BP condition with loss of appetite and blurry vision. You can’t take it anymore and feel like Ashoka-the-not-so-great in the wake of Kalinga. The bedroom silence is chilling. You exhale extra-large and tell your wife,
“Chhodo yaar! Apni Accent fussclass chal rahi hai. Waise bhi hamein cash conserve karna chahiye. Simran ke college admission ke liye lakh-do lakh toh chahiye honge.”
Wife, “Haan, wo toh hai”
Wife, after a pause, “Par paise toh manage ho jayenge…”
Husband, “Baat paise ke nahin hai. Koi car pasand hi nahi aa rahi”
Wife, “Civic theek toh hai. Dekhne mein bhi badi lagti hai. Maroon color lenge.”
Husband, “Lekin, Autocar ke Buying Guide mein likha hai ki…”
Wife, “Lekin vekin kuchh nahin. Bhaad mein gayi tumhari Autocar aur Internet aur Facebook aur Tutor. Mujhe toh bas Civic hi chahiye. Kal booking amount de aayenge. Ab so jao”


  1. Excellent post MP sir; I can not stop laughing remembering my car purchase not so long ago; ;)

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  3. chaa gaye ho sir jee..dil khush kar diya...delhi ki tasveer aa gayi aankhon ke saamne :)

  4. Thanks, dear Chirag! Best wishes to the family!!

    May 16, 2013 at 11:48 PM

  5. Great post, in my case it was a black chevy optra!

  6. Damn good - Felt like I was watching "Khosla di gaddi" (My hunch in case they make a sequel on Khoslas buying a car)..Couldn't agree more being a dilliwala and having faced the situation myself few weeks back.. ROFL

  7. stumbled upon your post and thoroughly enjoyed - "toyota wo toyota nahi rahi"- spot on ...

  8. Good one sir :) Didn't know about this talent of yours..

  9. Toooooooooo Goooooood.... I'm still grinning and kind of almost relating to whats been written.... Dilli waalon ki waah bhai waah....

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  11. Great post sir...par ye to bata do...civic le li hai kya?

  12. Brilliant post.

    Car aapko Diesal ki leni chaihiye thi, thode paise bhi bach jaate Simran ki college ke liye!

  13. ...bit late to read and comment but cant stop laughing at “Normal activities ke liye toh leg room kaafi hai Sir” .. hailllarious...too good sir jee...