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Wednesday, June 12, 2013

A Bride for the Reluctant Prince

In India, you can remain unmarried only for two reasons: either you have some 'irreparable defect' ("पता नई बन्दे विच की नुक्स हैगा, लगदा ते चंगा पला है?") or like the Mamaji of Lapataganj, your wife routinely elopes with one of your neighbors. And, if you are a public figure or a celebrity and haven't become country's Prime Minister or at least a prime ministerial candidate, only Lord Hanumana (perhaps the only respectable bachelor ever) can save your ass from the TV channels, newspapers and the forever velas on Facebook and Twitter.

One such hapless soul is the Youth Youthful Icon of India, Rahul Gandhi. His public announcement to the effect that he'll neither marry nor become the Prime Minister has not only plunged scores of Delhi University girls into depression but also has Mommy dearest and Man Ji Uncle worried. Reportedly, Man Ji had a long chat with Rahul in the 10, Janpath kitchen and the young prince was seen emerging from the haze of aloo-pyaaz parathas saying, "जे तुस्सी प्यो बाण सगदे ओ ताँ ते कोई वि बाण सगदा है। चलो मैं सोचांगा।"

That was six months back. Unfortunately, for the dynasty and the peoples of the republics of Italy and India, the Reluctant Prince has not since shown any signs of a man willing to marry and therefore become 'normal'. The marriage of his cousin Varun has further rubbed MDH Chunky Chat Masala onto his mother's and Man Ji uncle's bruised egos. To make matters even worse, reportedly, fans of the "Youthful Icon" are miffed with celebrated author Chetan Bhagat becoming the brand ambassador of marriage portal Shaadi.com.

The ads feature Mr. Bhagat as a Youth Icon exhorting the Indian youth to get married considering the joys and benefits of married life. The Congi fans feel that in these ads allusions to the bachelor status of Rahul G. are unmistakable. While there is no use tilting at the windmills, a large number of paying members of the Rahul G. Fan Club (current membership count = 2,  some Mr. Jha and one Miss Chaturvedi) have approached the Congress President to take suitable measures to get the Youthful Icon married off. The Congress political leadership also feels that the scion should not be a bachelor for too long since confirmed bachelorhood is more of a BJP tradition.

Sociologists like Suhel Seth have argued that while faulty refrigerators (read ‘coalition allies’) and widespread corruption are ubiquitous and will equally affect BJP’s chances in 2014, the real problem for Congress is to find a cure for Rahul G.’s reluctance to take to worldly ways and appear to be a normal person. Recently, in an emergency Mini Chintan Shivir convened by the Mother Superior and attended by her troubleshooters Mr. Chidumbaram, Mr. Symbol and Mr. Rajeev Dhokla, a bullet proof plan has been arrived at to exorcise the Youth Icon’s inner demons and get him to marry like all normal Indians. The simply brilliant plan is to pitch Rahul G. for the post of the BCCI President in the ongoing melee!

While the overflowing coffers of the BCCI will come in handy during the forthcoming elections, the glitz and glamour of IPL is expected to veer the Youthful Icon away from his path of renunciation. Precautions will be taken to keep nation’s favorite son-in-law, Rober T. Vadra away from the scene lest he fills the gap created by Mr. Meiyappan. 

As an unexpected political benefit, instead of visiting poor people’s homes during the forthcoming election campaign and spoiling Congress candidates’ chances, the Youthful Icon, during the IPL matches, can instead invite one poor child from each constituency and seat them around himself (like Mata Ambani) in a special stand named after the ‘Rajeev Gandhi Brahamcharya Unmoolan Yojana’. The stand was originally to be designed by Karan Johar but the task was finally assigned to Sooraj Barjatya after KJo's recent adopt-don't-marry orientation.   

Matrimonial portals like simplymarry.com, jeevansaathi.com, bharatmatrimony.com, etc. (but not shaadi.com) will be offered high-visibility advertising spaces at highly subsidized rates. Cheerleaders, specially trained by Sooraj Barjatya will perform seductive dances set to songs like Banno Rani, Mehndi Laga ke Rakhna, Saajan Ji Ghar Aaye, etc. in front of the RG-BUY stand.

Glamorous on-the-ground presenters like Karishma Ko Taak and Rochelle Idhar Aao, and Bollywood starlets will be specially instructed to chat with the Youth Icon during the match and in the famous IPL post-match parties. 

The I&B ministry also plans to liberally distribute special placards inside the IPL arenas carrying a picture of the Youthful Icon and the slogan “RAHUL MARRY ME!!!” 

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