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Monday, July 22, 2013

Coming Soon! World’s First Fully-Automated Universal Citizen Contact System (FUCCS)

In response to the relentless pounding it has been receiving on the social networks and TV, the UPA government has come up with an ingenious fully-automated online system for fielding frequently asked questions from the citizens. 

Anyone can call the following numbers to connect to the FUCCS by dialing the toll-free number 1-420-4200. International callers can dial collect call number 000-420-420-4200.

“Think of it as Government’s own 24x7 call center. The system has been so effectively designed that a caller will seldom need to use it a second time”, the Minister for Information and Broadcasting Mr. Manish Tewari said in a news conference in New Delhi today. He also revealed that the FUCCS will be a completely secular system. 

When the (carefully chosen) journalists, who were invited to the presser, insisted on a live demo of the system, the minister politely refused because the system was yet to be formally inaugurated by the nation’s Youthful Icon, Mr. Rahul Gandhi. The minister however asked one of the senior technical officials from the National Informatics Center to share the FUCCS process flow with the journalists.   

Till last reports, the UPA think tank was divided on whether to launch the FUCCS on the ‘Independence Day’ or on 20th August 2013, birthday of the Shri Rajiv Gandhi, the Patron Saint of Scheme Launchers. Rahul Gandhi has advised Mr. Manish Tewari to rope in the celebrity author and social scientist Mr. Chetan Bhagat to break the launch date logjam.

Stay ‘tuned’!  

Friday, July 12, 2013

चलो यूँ करलें

"सिर्फ एक साल दूर हैं चुनाव चलो यूँ करलें
किसी पत्थर को प्राचीन मंदिर या मस्जिद बनाया जाये"

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Life in the Delhi Metro

Chaos prevailed on the Delhi Metro rail network for the third day today after scores of commuters demanded ticket money refund and threatened to damage DMRC property. They were complaining against misleading reports in major newspapers and on TV channels. 

Reportedly, the entire media machinery went into overdrive after MMS clips filmed by the CCTV cameras inside Metro trains were leaked and went viral on YouTube and other social networking platforms. Although some Mumbai based TV channels (obviously) in their bid to shame Delhi Metro are showing the MMS clips on loop ever since, the hazy images led disgruntled viewers to YouTube for their own research and opinion building.  Hundreds of people then thronged the Metro network to witness the ‘phenomenon’ with their own eyes, only to be disappointed.

Our undercover reporter spoke to some of the angry folks at the Rajiv Chowk and Central Secretariat Metro stations and asked them why they were protesting? Here are some of the responses:

Naveen Bansal, Class XII Student: “Sir, I have travelled on the various metro lines for more than ten hours over the last two days and changed coaches after every station, but could not see even one MMS.”

Satyavrat Prakash, BJP supporter: “When you see country’s moral fabric getting weakened, you cannot sit at home and let it happen. I came to thrash these chowmein eaters.”

Piya Chaturvedi, Youth Congress member: “When I heard that our Prime Minister was travelling by Metro, I couldn’t contain my excitement and came to witness the miracle.”

Shyam Gopal Verma, a disastrous film maker, who is always one of the first ones to visit a disaster site: “I liked the use of DPS MMS clip in ‘Dev-D’ and came to record a clip for my next film.”

Randy Raghu, from an evening college of Delhi University: “People are so naïve. They should wait for things to cool down. The mahaul won’t return until these stupid TV channels have shut up.”

In the meanwhile, politicians and celebrities were not far behind in expressing their expert opinions on TV talk shows.

Mahesh Bhatt, the noted film maker, said, “It is people expressing their moving desire for sexual emancipation. I am already thinking of shooting crucial scenes of ‘Jism 3’ inside Delhi Metro.”

A grinning and winking Swami Kamdev, taking a break from a Yoga session, commented, “Ye hamare bachche zaroor Yoga karte honge, warna itne kam space mein…”

Aamir Khan, film actor and social activist, opined that such incidents happen due to sexual kuposhan.

A teary Sheila Dixit (Delhi CM) was seen saying to her favorite talk show host Bahar-Ka-Mat-Kha Dutt, “I have repeatedly been saying that Delhi women are not safe anywhere outside their homes, not even in Metro. Unfortunately, I have no control over Delhi Police or DMRC.”

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Congress and BJP agree to a Standard Format for Political Posters

In a move to remove confusion while designing posters and banners for any political event e.g. rally, thanksgiving (hardik dhanyavad), remembrance (shat shat naman) or just-like-that, the two biggest political parties of India have agreed to adopt a Unified Poster Code (UPC). These design standards will be adhered to by the various national, state and district level organizations of these political parties.
Political leaders often suffer heartburn after finding their faces in smaller-than-expected sizes or even missing from the posters and billboards put up during political events. This leads to weakening of the organizational fabric and, in some extreme cases, defection to the Aam Aadmi Party.
As illustrated below, the entire poster, banner or newspaper ad area shall be apportioned into Fixed and Variable levels. The relative sizes of each level have been standardized and shall not be changed under any circumstance.
Political poster
Design of our democracy
The usage of India’s national colors has also been specified as follows:
  1. Saffron (Eternal Sunset): to be used for departed souls, who are benevolently blessing every shenanigan of the party.
  2. White (Cleanliness): to be used for the current Teflon-coated Dynasty and senior most party leadership.
  3. Green (Greenhorns): to be used for the honhaar virbaan (emerging youth leadership) of the party. The foot soldiers, the crowd organizers, who also happen to pay for the billboards and ads. Specific instructions have been given not to address them as ‘Investors’.
The UPC has even gone to the extent of exactly specifying the facial directions of various leaders and the direction of supplicants’ hands folded in prayer lest the blessings miss them by.
The Unified Poster Code shall come into force before the upcoming 2014 General Elections.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

छुपे दर्द

इस मुस्कराहट के पीछे कई दर्द छुपे होंगे, लोग सोचते होंगे।
बेशक छुपे हैं, लेकिन मेरी शक्ल नहीं मेरे शेर पढ़िए ॥