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Your average fun guy who will stand by you!

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Black is black, I wanna my baby back...

What does a lazy blogger do? He waits for a better writer to write something, get inspired and decide to perspire!

Dear Purba Ray, a much decorated blogger, recently wrote about the racism of a different kind http://www.purba-ray.com/2014/11/black-is-new-white.html. She pronounced that 'Black' is the new 'White' when it came to money, an allusion to a spectrum of symptoms people the world over exhibit when envying those who keep 'Black Bucks' as pets. It's a case of green backs (or red backs or Gandhi Ji) turning black and making the have-not's turn green with envy (or red or find solace in sermons on 'the purpose of life').

I am here to bat for the Black and to say this to venerable Ma Purba: "Black is not the new white. Black is black!"

World's discomfort with the black color is ancient. Right from Cleopatra, who lounged on the banks of Nile smeared with waxes and lotions to keep her complexion as close as possible to White, to Ku Klux Klan to Eminem, man's push against the color black is astounding. But Mother Nature holds her own against such rapacious assaults. She captures the best things in life in black, things for which people are ready to kill each other, for instance, crude oil and occupied lingerie.  

Black is cathartic. Black heals. Black is Bountiful!

Remember your grandma rubbing coal ash to to shine a dirty vessel? Or, your Mommy slapping that J&J belladonna tape to expunge the muck from that boil on your bottom? Or, your (shameless!) Daddy applying  L'Oreal Casting Color 200 to create confusions of all kinds? Or, your Mommy wearing black dress because (she thinks) she looks slimmer in it? Or, your first black leather jacket for that illusion of manhood? Or, that weightlessness that overcame you while hugging that big bagful of cash you received on selling your property? Or, the bhaichara that ensued after paying off the traffic cop or driving license maker or property registrar or income tax guy or...

Now, imagine a world without black! A grandma who keeps dirty dishes, your swollen ass, a dad who already looks like your grandpa, a "slightly healthy" Mommy in technicolor, your wiry frame riding a bike in cheap "Proud to be xyz" T-shirt, paying the designated traffic violation penalty, building a house strictly per approved plan, failing the driving test simply because you rammed the test car into the Regional Transport Office direction marker,...

And, finally, tell me, how does this sound to your ears: "Ho-nest Po-li-ti-ci-un"?

Apocalypse now!!

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

FIFA President invites Modi to the FIFA World Cup Finals!

The Indian Prime Minister, Mr. Narendra Modi, has been specially invited by the FIFA president Mr. Joseph “Sepp” Blatter to the July 14 final match of the 2014 FIFA World Cup finals. Reportedly, the invite is under FIFA’s “Football to Food” initiative that helps poor kids to take up football so that they can eat when they grow up. In his invite to Mr. Modi, Mr. Blatter has confessed that the inspiration for the “Football to Food” program came to him after listening to Mr. Modi’s speeches mentioning initiatives like “Farm to Factory” and “Fiber to Fashion”. “There’s a nice ring to the letter ‘F’ in those phrases” said Mr. Blatter in his letter.

The PMO recently organized a special press conference to share Mr. Modi’s plan and views on this first-ever invite by a FIFA President to an Indian Prime Minister. The presser was held in the South Block and, as a departure from the UPA tradition, before the presser, the reporters were lavished generous servings of Khandvi, Dhokla, Shrikhand and Jaljeera instead of the customary Scotch and tandoori. Mr. Modi, in his third Kurta-Pajama of the day (it was 4 PM already), was joined by Mrs. Smriti Irani, the Education Minister; Dr. Harshvardhan, the Health Minister; the Goa Chief Minister Mr. Manohar Parrikar; Mrs. Sushma Swaraj, Minister of External Affairs. 

“It is another victory for NDA”, Mr. Modi began, “when the world’s superpowers want to learn from us”. “Mukesh Bhai told me that FIFA is one of the most powerful corporations in the world with over 1.5 billion dollars of cash.” “We want the entire world to benefit from Gujarat’s, sorry, India’s experience through this FIFA initiative.”

On being asked about the other members of the delegation, this is what Mr. Modi had to say.

“Ismriti Ji has been included in the delegation to for her special inputs on the psychology of the kids who do not want to study beyond school, or do not want to study at all, and want to play football instead.”
“You will be surprised to know that most of the great footballers, ek do Socrates ko chhodh kar, never studied beyond high school!”
“These Brazilian kids playing football in tabelas will be the future stars…IFFF...they do not attend college!”

(At this point, Mr. Manohar Parrikar, whispered something into Mr. Modi’s ear.)
“Mera matlab favelas…”

On Dr. Harshvardhan, Mr. Modi drew the reporters’ collective attention to the situation inside football locker rooms and the private lives of the footballers.
“Take the case of Ronaldo and other popular footballers. They might be living under the false belief that wearing condoms prevents AIDS. It is actually values, not condoms, that prevent AIDS!”
“I want Dr. Harshvardhan to advise the players to abstain from sex with their girlfriends until marriage to prevent AIDS. And, if they can't control themselves, they should keep a pack of values instead of condoms handy.”
Dr. Harshvadhan added, “The players must stay alive to play football and feed their families. AIDS kills!”
(At this point, Dr. Harshvardhan, flashed a placard reading: “No sex, no condom, no AIDS!”)

Mrs. Sushma Swaraj, according to Mr. Modi, will request FIFA to have the World Cup commentary in Sanskrit also for the benefit of all of the 2000 people worldwide who’ll ever listen to it.

When a reporter asked Mr. Parrikar, why he did not accompany the MLAs from his government on their junket to Brazil, he smiled and said “My MLAs were just a cover. A batch of sleuths from the IB has also accompanied them to survey the situation in the Maracana stadium and the Copacabana beach, the places where Mr. Modi’s entourage will be visiting.”

As the piece de resistance of the evening, keeping in line with Mr. Modi's penchant for mauke-ki-topi, Mr. Modi’s designer headgear for his stadium appearance was also unveiled. Here’s a sneak peek:

Friday, May 23, 2014

Why man boobs are important?

Purba Ray (@purba_ray on twitter) recently blogged about the importance of boobs to a woman. You can read it here:  http://www.purba-ray.com/2014/05/why-boobs-are-important.html .

In this rather disturbing piece, she stares down the slopes of hidden hills (aka “boobs”) and surmises what catastrophe would dawn upon us men if women didn’t have them. She spares no angle from Oedipus to Kamadeva and concludes with less-than-catastrophic consequences i.e. while women get to keep their boobs at their current levels of elevation, those leering men, who refuse to let go of their childhood fancy for tits, must be delivered a kick in the crotch. However, I am yet to get over her scary proposition of women, like men, being flat-chested. Friedman (“The World is Flat”) was far more considerate in his worldview and built his flatness argument without hurting trillion dollar enterprises wrapped around women’s distinguishing contours.

Imagine a world without Victoria’s Secret, Triumph, Groversons, Paris Beauty and Sparsh; imagine water from a South Indian waterfall falling lifelessly on the rocks below because there’s no dark flesh under bright yellow blouse to rush through; imagine a world without the embarrassment of collecting heterosexual laundry from the washing machine; and, finally, imagine a suckling baby’s predicament!

Boobs are universally loved. Urdu (or may be farsi) even finds saggy boobs love worthy e.g. meh boob. One panoramic view of those booby men from Punjab to Trivandrum via Kolkata and you understand Nature’s silent message, namely, “God created all men and women equal, so why are only women bound by bra straps?” It’s not uncommon knowledge that in order to restore balance to the Universe, some men have already enrolled themselves in the grow-your-own-hairy-boobs programs run by the Bhartiya Purush OOrozay Utthan Samaj”. And, if scientific advances are anything to go by, hairy men will soon be able to grow hairless boobs. Even this may be quite unnecessary if sometime soon Hollywood celebs (Kim Kardashian?) make hairy boobs fashionable and you have your neighborhood “Moksha” spa promising to refund your money if they can’t grow your mammary hair longer by two inches in two weeks courtesy their ‘Gold’ potion.

Dear Purba, I, therefore raise you “Let men have boobs too” to your “Let women be flat-chested”. This anthropological leap will not only make lechery extinct but also double the size of many industrial enterprises and pull the world economy out of recession. What Obama couldn't do, men with boobs will. It’ll be a Triumph of the ‘man’ kind, joy spilling over from their DDD sized cornucopias, trickling down the hairy slopes. And, as humanity marches on, we will soon learn to deal with hairy boobs, additional foreplay footage in Vivid's videos as well as predicament of the suckling baby!         

“If they don’t have balls, give them hairy boobs!”  ~ @NotThatMP    



Monday, April 21, 2014

Politics? Simple!

“Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.” ~ Confucius

The Indian citizen like India itself is a “Sleeping Elephant”. It revels in self-imposed sloth until the elections arrive and then goes on a rampage like a drunken elephant on a full moon night. The sloth and the rampage both are rooted in the classical Indian psyche. First, let us understand our predilection to sloth. When confronted with choices, we are more likely to choose the option in which our own house remains clean but the street in front can remain filthy. And, having pronounced “this nation is beyond redemption”, we repose in front of TV screens. Siesta for Indians is craftily distributed over twenty four hours of a day.

Second, Indians are a restless people when awake and outside the comfort of their homes. Doctors’ waiting rooms, roads and queues of all kinds are testimony to our basic instinct of catching up on lost-on-purpose time. Specially, national or regional politics cracks us up big time. Our zeal to ameliorate the nation or state begins with “Enough is enough”, swells to “Enough is not enough” and reaches its climax with much physical and emotional violence. Groggy after extended sloth, like zombies, we march to the beat of wily politicians. And, our political idols will send us to hunt innocents like that somnambulist from Dr Caligari’s cabinet.

Indians hate simplicity. Our music, arts, culture and psyche, all are relatively more complicated and of higher-order than what is found in most other world civilizations. Being complicated itself is not bad. It produces incredible beauty and variety as evident in Indian music, paintings, languages, dance forms and food. Sooner or later we must gravitate away from the simplicity of Kabir, Bhagwad Gita, Guru Nanak and Rahim to the garishness of Bhagwati Jagrans, Sai Bhajan Sandhyas and ostentatious weddings.

A complicated psyche poses a special challenge when it comes to making political choices and governing people. The complications in our psyche arise out of wide disparity in people’s incomes, regional economic development and social histories. This stitched together “vibrancy” [sic] is what wily politicians intend to take advantage of. They divide people exactly on these fault lines before elections and then exhort them to come together again in the ‘larger national interest’. This is the destructive manifestation of our national complexity.

So, is there hope? Fortunately, yes! The answer lies in breaking down the destructive complexity into simpler, more manageable forms. It’s like devolution of species from complex forms to single-cell forms or the mathematical concept of Fourier Transformation (FT), where we break down a seemingly random waveform into a number of regular wave forms.

In terms of politics, this means our capability to break our wish list down into simpler, closer-to-everyday-life issues that matter to everyone, including those at the bottom of the pyramid e.g. Food-water-shelter, Hygiene, Education, Healthcare, Employment and Safety. To that end, the role of our political leaders is limited to governance and not actual execution of actions that will fulfill these essential needs of citizens. Political leaders are the people-appointed trustees who as part of their dharma will ensure equitable and optimal distribution of national resources such as to maximize welfare of the people.

A politician who is corrupt, communal or criminal is incapable of following this dharma and thus unworthy of people’s trust. We must therefore examine the political choices in front of us first and foremost on their past record and capability of following this dharma. Spare yourselves the analysis of complex scenarios spun like cobwebs by wily politicians and demagogues lest you soon find yourself stuck like a helpless fly in the spider’s web.

Keep it simple stupid!   

“Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.” ~ Leonardo da Vinci